Having a hard time right now. Trying so hard to hang on to what little bit of happiness I can.
I am struggling with several issues at the moment. Usually I just back away from everyone and everything and work on it until its resolved. With the exception of my hubby and kids, of course. But, I usually back away from other people and any activities I’m doing. I don’t feel like that is possible right now. Part of the problem is the kids being back in scouts. They have only been in since the end of May and already there has been a roller coaster of emotions and problems. A Cub Master that wouldn’t leave after being kicked out of scouts. His family still being in it and running the pack off his orders. A new cub master coming in and trying to get the pack on their feet, but for some reason doesn’t like me and feels the need to show me. I don’t know what his problem. I don’t like it when people don’t like me. I didn’t do anything to him. But he has heard rumors about me, and accusations that I cause problems. I don’t cause problems. Not completely. I do find myself in the middle of them, but that’s only because I stand up for whats right and stand against whats not right. Some people don’t like that. Some people would rather stick their heads in ground and pretend its not happening, where I am the opposite and will stand up and say ”hey, that ain’t right”. Usually when I do, it does cause problems. So, maybe from one point of view I can cause problems. But I don’t feel I am wrong for speaking up and will not stop.
But, the new cub master also feels the need to act like he’s superior to me and can tell me what to do. Ha! He obviously doesn’t know me. The first time I spoke to him when he took over and cleared out the riff raff he felt the need to dictate to me what I could and couldn’t do in the pack and talk down to me. He said I couldn’t wear my religious necklace and be a leader in the pack. He also basically told me if I wanted to be a leader I need additional training. I have been through training, more training than he has for scouts. I know how the program works. There is no way in hell this newb is gonna come in, talk down to me and try to tell me how this program works.
So, now there’s this added stress every time I attend a meeting. All I wanted was my son to earn his rank, hang with some kids and for us to have no drama. But I seem to find these kinds of people.
On top of that I am fighting depression. It is trying really hard to take control. And I am fighting really hard to break free. Its been a huge struggle though. I have slacked off on eating right, exercising, my to do lists, my home binder where I organize and keep track of everything(menus, to do list, chores, etc), and the kids lessons. I have not planned lessons in 3 weeks. Sometimes I need a break, I get that, but when I get so far off track, it is really hard to get back on. Then I start getting depressed. I see the signs, I just gotta make the changes now.
All this is bringing me down so much. I have 2 groups I started for the boys to socialize more, but they are becoming more of a pain than anything. First one was good. Then the second was annoying, I was sick. Then the third I canceled. I just couldn’t do deal. Now I have scheduled another one and really don’t wanna do it. The homeschool one I am more ok with. But the Pagan one, I’m really not. This weekend is gonna be soooooo busy. Scout activities, John’s sleep over, making homemade pizza, and someone elses birthday party. I really don’t think I can work a Pagan class into that. I am stressed as it is. I think it will just put me over the edge. I just can’t entertain people right now.
This is what stress and drama does to me. It send me to a bad place. I don’t wanna be around people or even deal with people. I don’t wanna pull the kids from scouts, again, because of people, and I don’t wanna take away their groups I stared for them, but I so need a break. A nice long break.
I am actually having some issues with the Pagan group right now as it is. I am so just not feeling it. I have been doing a lot of thinking about my religion. I have been trying to really hard to get back into it more. Its really hard. Life just keeps getting in the way. Anyways, I am also questioning what feels right to me and what doesn’t feel right. I have been wanting to learn more about Santeria and Hoo Doo.
Some of the beliefs have interested me for a while I just couldn’t make the time to learn about them. So, my dilemma is, how can I teach if I don’t know what I believe myself right now.
Why does life have to be so stressful?
There are so many factors with life and people that seem to hold me back from who I want to be. I hate myself when I get around these people. These horrible people. They just bring out the bad, the negativity in me. And I so hate it. Why can’t I just be above them all without feeling better than them? I’m not better than them, but maybe just above their petty BS.
How can I find a way to be the me I want to be?